Greetings.
Patch residents want to know: How many more animals will there be? This season alone has seen the addition of chicks and goslings, and now, Marge the Pup. We simply must have some assurance that matters have not careened out of control.
Rest assured, we recognize that your fondness for all creatures has been the impetus for our presence at the Patch. Your care for animals is a good thing, but we’d like to limit it to those of us already present. Speaking for myself, I begin to wonder. Will it ever end? There are rumors afoot regarding donkeys, meat goats, rabbits, and even emus. Emus!?
Please note that your desire to increase the number and variety of life forms at the Patch brings significant costs to others, including this desperately over-worked feline. My position as Patch Linguist requires that I learn to communicate with each new species as it arrives. I am now conversant in chicken, pig, Guinea hen, goose, and rudimentary dog (limited not by my linguistic skills but rather by the intellectual range of dogs). To challenge my capacities and support your animistic philosophy, I am now exploring the communication methods of chokecherry bushes, crabapple trees, and too many sunflower varieties to count.
The hens continue in their efforts to unionize the Patch, and while I anticipate such cross-species collaboration will not be successful in the end, I have learned much about workplace regulations from them. Evidently, the union stipulates that a worker’s responsibilities should not be continually expanded without negotiation. If one is hired to wait tables, one should not also be expected to wash dishes, especially not without additional compensation. If one is hired to teach forty students, one should not then be expected to teach 160 students with no recognition or remuneration. In my situation, I was initially tending solely to the translation needs of the pigs. Then, the chickens approached me with a message, and so on. I now perform translation in six distinct languages for no additional compensation or even an upgrade in the quantity or quality of my food.
As a matter of preparedness, I’ve begun a study of emu grammar. Were you aware that emus grunt? I am intrigued by the potential for emu/pig communication but am currently flummoxed by the drumming sounds emus emit. I lack the vocal apparatus to respond, but perhaps I might locate a suitable emu drumming facsimile.
Never mind. Keep the creatures coming. I thrill to linguistic discovery.
Compulsively,
Henry
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