Greetings.
In a spirit of openness, I share the following insights with you in the belief that you will not violate my confidence. Other cats might feel that I am behaving in a species-disloyal manner by revealing the details of feline cosmology to a Feeder. But you and I share space at the Patch, and in addition to providing the most mediocre of cat food for me, you also scratch that place right along my jaw. I have known no other Feeder, although your assistant Feeders did, in my early kitten years, offer velvet curtains to climb, twitching bits of yarn to attack, and cans of tuna fish and smoked salmon. Perhaps you were not aware that your children were purloining food from the kitchen? But to far more serious matters…
Contrary to popular belief, cats sleep, at most, 21 hours each day. That leaves up to three hours for eating, intellectual pursuits, rodent control, and stretching. I find those three hours to be more than enough time to cultivate a highly evolved practice of meditation. To the casual observer, distinguishing between “sleeping cat” and “meditating cat” can be nearly impossible, especially since both activities are performed in the horizontal position with eyes shut. As resident Patch cat, I am the only individual authorized to offer a decisive verdict on whether cat sleep or cat meditation is occurring at any given moment.
In my hours of meditation, I often gaze into the ever-changing skyscape of the Patch and ponder the great mysteries of life. Cats are universally agnostic and adhere to the belief that the only certainty is feline superiority over all other species. We do not suffer from cosmological hubris, but rather carry an appropriate sense of our own importance. This perspective renders metaphysical contemplation a truly pleasurable experience.
But I digress. The weighty matter. Based on recent evidence, I suspect that the Patch is under surveillance. From my prone position, I have become aware of the hourly flight of a crow cohort that flies over your property with the express intent of theft. A total of four crows typically perform these aerial maneuvers, flying in two groups, hovering over the top of guinea hens, and paying special attention to egg-shaped objects. In fact, I myself have witnessed these crows flying away with eggs, hauling stolen Patch property by beak to their nearby lair where they consume it.
Were you aware of this attempted and at times accomplished theft? The crows are patrolling at least five times daily, so vigilance is necessary.
In alarm,
Henry
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