Greetings.
I know you breathlessly await an update on the Patch Translation Project, an item I note with some irony, given your recent disparagement of the project as “unnecessary.” My recent missive on chicken communication stands as clear evidence of my Patch contributions and the necessity of replacing such outdated methods as yours with modern linguistic interpretations. Please be assured that I am diligently toiling to translate the rather uncouth vocalizations of the creatures at the Patch. In fact, my missive today is in relation to just that endeavor.
Commitment to the Patch Translation Project comes at great personal cost. As I labor for the common good, the reduction in time available for napping, especially during this season of limited sunshine, remains foremost in my mind. This is a sacrifice I willingly make, in the knowledge that Patch residents share a concern for my well being. To discharge this weighty task, I take the duty of initiating adequate self-care seriously as I lead us all into greater cross-species understanding.
To that end, I must raise some delicate issues with you as Feeder:
· Firstly, I extend my gratitude for the increasing population of mice available under the Dinky Deck. As you know, cats must catch occasional mice as a matter of basic self-respect, and the ease with which this is accomplished makes my daily toil just a little bit lighter.
· My second point relates to the supremacy of birds over mice. I know that mice form the basic diet of the ordinary barn cat, but we all know – forgive my boldness – that I am not ordinary. Mice carry a plebian flavor, which is why I often consume the carcasses only partially. For erudite cats like myself the consumption of song birds remains an issue of status. If it is my lot in life to be an outside cat (an issue of great personal concern given my cosmopolitan nature and affection for velvet coverlets) then please consider attracting, housing, and feeding a greater population of birds at the Patch, as they are a food truly fitting my evolved tastes. The more colorful the better – bright blues and yellows are, in fact, my preferred diet.
· Finally, I must emphasize my deep distress at the unexpected appearance of Petula the Packrat. While my duties include the occasional consumption of mice, the remainder of the rodent kingdom falls far outside my purview. Petula was an immense specimen, a ferocious creature at least half my size, and accustomed to hauling items of great weight. It took tremendous foresight on my part to avoid Petula entirely, to give no sign or indication of her presence. I trust that I remained within the bounds of my professional duties. I do appreciate your efforts to trap and relocate Petula, and am reassured by our joint agreement that maintaining the Patch as a Petula-free zone is your responsibility as Feeder.
I must say, even the thought of Petula leaves me distressed. Do you have any colorful birds handy? I could very much use a pick-me-up at the moment.
In great weariness, your servant,
Henry
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