Greetings.
Henry here, as usual. I don’t have simmering crises or issues needing your attention, so I could pass on submitting a timely update. But I have found the writing practice useful in documenting my daily efforts and have come to see these dispatches as a testament to my contributions to the generative life of the Patch. While cats rarely suffer from diminished levels of self-worth, it remains a gratifying experience to chart the measurable progress that I have shepherded and herald the positive results arising from my innovative linguistic efforts.
It is with pleasure that I report I’ve found a rare philosophical soulmate in Pudge. He and I engage in weekly conversations, theorizing about the significance of both pigs and cats. Grappling with such existential questions forms a central part of the “examined life” that brings true happiness. Geraldine and Wilma have been cruelly dismissive of our theoretical musings, referring to them as “self-righteous screeds,” “excuses to wallow in narcissism,” and “facades upon which to build plumped-up senses of self.” Geraldine and Wilma outweigh Pudge and myself by several hundred pounds of powerful musculature, so while we might hope to engage them in productive discussion, Pudge and I have, at least for the moment, relocated our conversations to the south side of Pudge and Jorge’s hut, outside the range of the sows’ hearing.
Of late, Pudge and I have been analyzing our various species’ attitudes towards pleasure, and these conversations have been fruitful, especially now that we are fully protected from Geraldine’s demoralizing insults. On occasion, Wilma still squeals, “Cease and desist, you insufferable theorizing nitwits,” and her decibel levels do make conversation difficult. As an amusing challenge, Pudge and I are experimenting with rudimentary sign language – which must be adapted to incorporate snouts and tails – for those times when we simply can’t hear each other.
I’ve discovered that pigs spend nearly as much time as cats in the pursuit of pleasure. While cats focus on the joys of sleeping, Pudge has informed me that pigs devote a similar effort to the pleasures of eating. A copious repertoire of smacking noises comprises the pig vocabulary related to food. In fact, these food-related words are the first that piglets learn. You might have noticed that piglets initially make no sounds at all when nursing, but within the first 48 hours of life they begin vocalizing even when lined up at the teats. Their initial humming grunts can be translated as a generalized “Yum,” and are soon followed by the “eh, eh, eh” grunt that signifies great pleasure in the anticipation of food. This sound is used only for imminent food, as food that the Feeder might provide, or food that the Feeder is tardy in providing, or even food that the Feeder has put in dishes but not yet delivered generates more strident food-related communications.
Pudge is a generally well-mannered fellow, so I’ve been truly shocked to hear his vulgar comments about delayed food. Food that is demanded, visible, and/or expected but not yet arrived or available for consumption is truly insulting to pigs. The porcine vocabulary contains limited vocalizations for the withholding of food and while those words are few in number, their meanings are supplemented by the volume at which they are uttered and the bodily expressions that accompany them. For example, on mornings when you don’t deliver the food swiftly enough, you will hear Geraldine bellowing from the hay shed. As she amplifies her volume, you’ll notice that she also throws her body against the hay shed door, rattling its hinges and causing a concussive “boom” to punctuate her screams. A passerby might be disturbed by this melee, but Geraldine is simply protesting Feeder actions that are a clear affront to pig protocol.
As Pudge and I savor our conversations, we can’t help but assume that a host of other cats and pigs could benefit from such wise, expository, and even witty dialogue. To that end, we are contemplating the formation of an Institute: we might call it the Pig/Cat Research Center (PCRC) or the Porcine/Feline Academy (PFA) or even the P-eline Learning Center. I will keep you apprised of our planning efforts, especially as your duties might be expanded to include mail delivery.
The life of the mind is truly a well-spring of joy and satisfaction.
In hopeful anticipation that Feeders might at some point attain just a portion of animal intelligence,
Henry
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